Top 10 Worst Places to Have Sex!
#10-In the court roomThere are just some true freaks out there, why would you want to spank it in front of a court room while you're determining someone’s sentence and accidentally shoot your load and hit the judge in the face? Hey it could happen.
Here is an example: Like most men, Donald Thompson, had needs; itches that had to be scratched without delay. Unlike most men, Donald Thompson was also a judge. And, unlike most judges (hopefully), Donald liked to sit behind the bench and jam his unit into a penis pump and go to town while presiding over cases.
According to testimony in the trial that ended with him getting four years in prison for indecent exposure and getting disbarred, Thompson used the pump at least four times and exposed himself 15 times during jury trials, apparently when shit got either really boring or incredibly sexy. You know how murder trials can get sexy. As an added bonus, Thompson had purchased a rather noisy pump that made an audible whooshing sound. It was loud enough that jurors during trials asked the judge what it was and presumably Thompson responded by groaning loudly then napping for a half hour or so.
#9-In ChurchOkay, I have to admit I'm not very religious, but there are just some places you say no to. I suppose not all people have morals or that little voice that says this is just wrong!
Here is an example: Sometimes people get infused with the Holy Spirit and feel moved to praise the Lord when in church. Other times, people hop in the confessional and defile one another in a host of unseemly and sticky ways. It is not our place to question the Lord.
In
Cesena, Italy, during morning mass, a couple in their early 30s was lodged in a confessional booth when other people at church became aware of an off-putting rustling and groaning coming from the booth. In public restrooms, that's often the sound of hobos passing gin-soaked shoe leather from their bowels while masturbating; and in mall photo booths it's the sound of teen girls making hilarious and unique faces with their
BFFs. In churches, however, the first, best guess is the pastor trying to sober up before a service. On this day, however, it was just a "Goth rock" couple diddling each other. For Jesus.
The police were called and the couple, who were piss-tank drunk, were "cautioned" for obscene acts and disturbing a religious function which we think is like robbing a bank and then being told by the cops you can only spend the money on canned meat. The local parish priest called the incident "an outrage of notable proportions which bespeaks unutterable squalor" which is Christian for "
fucktarded."
In Alabama, a couple was caught having sex on the altar in a Baptist Church, because sometimes humping in a confessional booth just isn't sacrilegious enough. The altar was covered in red wax and the male half was found hiding under the church when police arrived, as his escape plan included digging to China.
#8-On a cop carOkay, I have had sex in a cop car - but never on top of it and certainly not with cops inside watching me. It was with a cop in his car, and he was my boyfriend at the time. But who in their right mind would say, hey let's go hump on that cops car and see if they arrest us.
Here is an example: There are various levels of daring when it comes to sex in public. Some people will never venture beyond the cover of the backyard at 3 am, some people will attempt sex in an airplane lavatory. Others will eschew silly things like "reason" and copulate on the hood of a cop car. That has cops in it.
A couple of randy Dutch folk, known for their wooden shoes and proclivities to fornicate in full view of emergency service personnel, decided the hood of the car was a good place to go to town and say they didn't notice the two cops still in the car at the time. The cops got out of their car and demonstrated firm Dutch justice by politely asking the couple to stop and go somewhere else, as the law doesn't specifically prohibit people from having sex on top of a cop car. However, the law does state that police officers need to be available for duty. Thus, when the male of the couple, without missing a sexy beat, insulted the cops, he was arrested and his girlfriend was taken away when she tried to stop the car from leaving with her boyfriend.
#7-In the cock-pit of a Plane
OK I must admit that for a while I had thought it could be fun to join the mile high club, but then I thought about how small they are and that only I could fit in one.
Well some people even want to take it further by having sex while flying the plane, let’s just say it never ends well.
Here is an example: In 1916, the first ever known case of sex on a plane resulted in a plane crash, so this fantasy got started off on the wrong foot and proved that some places are, in fact, inappropriate for getting frisky in. The fact that the pilot was the one having the sex probably greatly contributed to the problem, but ever since they installed those new security doors, how do any of us know what the pilot is up to in the cockpit? It's called the cockpit for God's sake.
The National Transportation Safety Board, in as dry a way as possible, has also attributed one fatal accident the result of pilot
humpageinflight decision to divert her attention to other activities not related to the conduct of the flight." Which is to say: "She was parking." The result of this is clear evidence that while joining the mile high club may be fun, if you're in charge of keeping the whole boat a mile high, you are excluded.
#6-At SchoolWell This is something else I’ve tried, but not since high school and I certainly didn’t work there. I was dumb and horny and so was my boyfriend. He got the great idea to have sex in our upstairs weight room on the mats, needless to say weight lifting class was just about to start,
hahaha.
But there are some stupid people who work at schools that should just know better.
Here is an example: It's a sad state of affairs that teachers having sex with students is about as common as baseball players using steroids or
internet comedy writers going to sleep cold and alone. However, we can chalk that up to folks who are a few a nuggets short of a happy meal. When two teachers get together at school, under a security camera, and have sex, that's just plain stupid.
Leroy Coleman, Principal of
Sandridge Elementary school, decided that going a few rounds with a teacher at his school in his office would be a grand idea and thus ran through the standard porno line up of positions. Even though he was married, he did this several times, and with different women, because the position of "school principal" is evidently
kryptonite to all women. The man had the presence of mind to get his boning done behind closed doors and with no children present, but he neglected to turn off or even avoid the security camera pointed directly at his desk. Video of the event was later released forcing him and his co-stars to resign, all of them citing either "illness" or "family issues" as their reasons. We like to imagine they just switched careers.
#5-At Work
Well I have to admit I have had sex at two different places that I worked and one place that my boyfriend worked. But this was with another person not a Vacuum Cleaner,
ewww.
Here is an example: Having sex at work is rather mundane and, if our nation's schools are any indication, pretty much everyone is doing it these days. However, even the most mundane and vanilla scenarios get a boost when you toss in a vacuum named Henry that has a face on it.
One night in England, a Polish contractor working late on a children's hospital decided that the stress of the day and/or the hotness of an electronic suction device with a cartoon smile on it was too much to resist and got down on his hands and knees to make Henry a man. A passing security guard saw the man defiling the machine and requested that he clean himself and the Hoover up before leaving the premises. In fairness, Henry was totally asking for it.
#4-On a Crane
Wow I have to admit I’ve had sex in some weird public places (Billboard Sign, In the clothing section of a store in the mall and at the zoo) but I have never thought of having sex on something you could just fall off of.
Here is an example: Have you ever stared at a construction crane and thought to yourself "Man, I'd like to have me some sex on that"? Congratulations, you're just like Justin Dunn and Nicole Albert, a couple from Florida who climbed up on a crane, in the middle of the day, to bump uglies.
Several witnesses, after squinting to ensure they were seeing what they thought they were seeing, called police who arrived and had to use a public address system to talk the couple down, presumably because none of the officers wanted to climb all the way up and risk high altitude bodily fluids splatting them in the eyes. The couple got off (ha!) with just a warning, as Dunn's father owned the crane and it was private property. They were told to try to be somewhat more discrete from now on, which we assume means they'll be sticking to double
decker buses, tree tops and hot air balloons for the foreseeable future.
#3-At a drive-thru window I guess if your desperate and need a good place to masturbate in public,
Arby's is the place to go with their curly fries wrapped around your dick.
Here is an example: As should be obvious to everyone,
Arby's is the sexiest of all fast food places, sexier even than Jack in the Box or Taco Bell. So sexy in fact that a myriad of customers have been unable to control themselves and just had to let their own curly fry flop out so they could smack it around some.
Kenneth Michael
Dobbs got the
Arby's urge in Decatur and went through the drive-
thru butt-ass naked with one hand working his crank and then returned a couple of days later to do the exact same thing, because
Arby-
Qs are a twice a week obsession at least. Unfortunately for
Dobbs, though the employees of
Arby's are apparently stoked to see how excited their customers get, a police officer was parked nearby on his second trip, noticed the curious lack of clothing, and pulled the man over.
While you may be able to get away with running into an Inn Out burger with your penis in your hand, going through the drive-
thru with an easily identifiable license plate slapped to the back of your car pretty much ensures that your left hand better be fast and furious if you hope to finish before the cops arrive.
#2- JailWho in their right mind would have sex with a criminal knowing that they are being charged with First Degree Murder. Here is an example: Well one dumb bitch decided it was a great way to get some. Prison sex tends to evoke a number of unfortunate images that are best left unexplored at this point in time. And since we're not talking about one unfortunate soul venturing to pick up some errant soap while a comrade saddles up behind him in an intimate and unwanted fashion, we won't even mention it. What we are talking about is something like what happened to public defender Theresa Olson when she took it upon herself to give her client a ride in a jail conference room.
Lawyers are prone to fits of sexiness all the time. Still, when you're in the midst of discussing a murder trial with the man accused of beating his parents and sister to death, it may be best to wait for some comically appropriate time to sneak into a judge's chambers or such instead of just giving the man a poke in full view of jail guards who weren't made aware of what zany David E. Kelly hi jinks to expect.
#1- On the Train TracksSeveral people have died due to pure
idiocracy, I'm sorry but having an orgasm isn’t worth dying for.
Here is an example: Though it should go without saying that having sex in the path of a fast moving super heavy chunk of iron, steel and pain is a bad idea, we'll say it anyway: having sex on train tracks is a bad idea. In fact, of all the places one could have sex. Nonetheless, a couple in South Africa were getting busy on the tracks, deciding that humping out in lion country or in a parasite filled pool was too boring for them. As you might expect, the evening ended poorly for them when a train pulled into the station where the couple was at. Trains, being rather hard to stop, aren't good at bobbing and weaving around sweaty bodies in their path.
I suggested we watch some Blu-ray pirate porn. After all, it was only fitting to end the night with a "bang" after being at the anchor. So I put on my new pink corset, left my black thong on and went downstairs to pop it in. We start watching and a few sex scenes go by, he puts his finger on my clit over my black thong and proceeds to do circling eight motions. I'm already wet from watching the on screen cast go at it, but this just puts me over the edge. He moves his hand a little lower and says, "Damn babe, you're soaked." I laughed. He starts fingering me as I watch the couple go at it and it makes the sensations 10 times better. I almost climaxed, almost. I move my positioning to something more comfortable and relaxing, spreading my legs so he has a first-hand view. He starts kissing my inner thighs, knowing very well that it teases and excites me at the same time. He hovers over my pussy, gives her a little kiss and moves back to the thighs, sucking, nibbling and decides the teasing is over. He dives right in, licking, sucking every inch until I just can't take it anymore. I was saying no, but my body was saying yes. I didn't want to climax that way, but I went with the flow and let loose into a body shaking, mind blowing orgasm that kept going even though he stopped. I couldn't let him not get off, so I got on my knees and headed straight to his penis. I started licking the shaft from the bottom very slowly, blowing my hot breath over the head of his penis, circling under the mushroom with my tongue, doing a little twirl dance, which was teasing him like he teased me. I gave in and put my mouth around his penis really fast with high intensity suction, making a popping sound with my mouth as he made his way out. Licked my lips and went back for some more until I craved for his throbbing, hard cock to be inside me. He was already in the sitting position on the couch, so I hopped right on and starting riding and grinding his penis, only he wanted something different, so I removed myself from that position, but when I got off him, I spread my legs like I was going to do the splits and he says that might work. He gets up behind me and rams his cock into me, going faster and faster each time, hitting that spot I so very enjoy. I had to bend down at the waist and put my hands onto the couch, just to keep my balance. My moans were getting louder; the sensations were getting more intense.
